What Does It Mean To Dress My Age?
Defining my style at 34 (with the help of Tania Sarin, Gabriella Karefa-Johnson, Liana Satenstein, and Casey Lewis).
Recently, A story that I wrote for a big publication ended up getting killed. I’d spent a few months on it, so obviously I was devastated to have put a lot of time and feelings into my work just to have it ultimately fall apart. But! Over a few years of freelancing, I’ve learned to take these things a little bit less personally, and let go of the idea that it’s a reflection of me — the failure. When we take big swings, sometimes we strike out!
Anyways, this is all to say that I think there’s a version of this piece worth sharing with you here — remixed, but still true to what I was noodling over when I pitched it. I hope you enjoy!
Early last year, I came upon an article in The Atlantic, titled “The Puzzling Gap Between How Old You Are And How Old You Think You Are.” When I first read it, I thought of my mom Barbara. She’s 70-something, but is still flying across the world to climb mountains and sip on spritzes. She refuses to date because men her age look too old to her (ok girl!). Once I texted her “how old are you in your head?” She replied, “mid twenties.”
While in studies, subjective age — aka how old you feel — tends to be something like 20% younger than your physical age, my mom is an extreme case at 64% younger (I think I mathed that right). Personally, I’ve noticed that physically for the first time the “me” in my head is starting to diverge from the “me” that other people see every day. But, what’s ironic (or maybe just curious) is that my style is really just hitting its stride — and perhaps not in the way I imagined when I was 18 or 28.
Now that I’m 34, I feel my most self-assured. Confident in what makes me unique, no longer feeling like I have something to prove. I’m also pleasantly surprised how connected I feel to the freedom of my childhood self. In the way I want to dress now, I see the same girl who arrived at the dinner table in gloves and a velvet gown, but also who’s go-to look in elementary school was a backwards hat and a T-shirt that read “extinction is forever.” I still exist on the same sartorial teeter-totter, the big differences are that I have the autonomy and budget to really own it.
As I’ve grown older, my personal style has evolved as a reflection of my phase of life. In my teens, I dressed to fit in (low rise Abercrombie pants included). In my twenties, I dressed to find out — moving to New York, getting a big-girl job, and trying on adulthood with a shoestring budget. I always felt like my outfits were never quite as put-together, or vibey, or expensive as the fashion peers around me.
Today, I’m more comfortable with who I am, without needing to buy into every trend or brand to be cool. In fact, with age I’m much less worried about cool at all.
As I graduate from wondering who I will be, to being sure of who I am, I want to feel good in my clothes, physically and mentally. I feel much less interested in passing trends, I know the jeans that fit me with the perfect slouch (vintage Levi’s 550s) and can confirm that I will never wear a bubble hem again. I still get excited by discovering a new brand or poring over the latest Prada collection, but the FOMO I used to feel in never feeling quite as well-dressed or on-trend as my peers has gone away. More than ever, I’m especially sure of what I’m not, and that makes shopping (and even just simply existing) so much easier.
When I ask my mom about how she views her personal style now that she’s in her 70s, she explains that her style has always been “elegant casual,” beiges, blacks, clean lines — but as she’s gotten older, she’s decided that she wants to experiment more. When I saw her in January, she was wearing a pair of jeans spray-painted with oversized black flowers. “I was on a hike the other day and a young woman told me how much she loved them,” she says. “Why shouldn't I wear anything I want if it's an expression of me.”
As part of the original story, I asked a few fellow 30-something women to discuss their personal style at this point in their lives, and I wanted to share some of their wisdom with you too!
Focus on what works for YOU. Creator , 34.
In my 20s, I was definitely more experimental. Now I feel like my style is a bit more cohesive. I know what I like, and I hone in on a look that feels true to me… edgy, androgynous but polished as well. At 34, I feel more grounded than I ever have, and I feel a lot clearer on what I want, and more importantly, what I don't want. I've let go of all the pressures of always being on or chasing the next thing. I'm happy with what I'm doing right now.
I've been in this career for almost 15 years now and people always ask me “what are you going to do next?” I don't know. I don't want to put that pressure on myself, I'm happy with what I'm doing right now. If something comes along great, and if something doesn't, it's fine, like, I am still just 34. I'm just focused on being present and building a life that actually feels good day to day.
Relax the chase. Neverworns writer and Vogue alum , 35
When I first came to New York, I was in my early, early 20s, I had no money, like, it was pathetic. I bought a lot of thrifted stuff, and I was trying to copy the French crew of 2013, like Emmanuelle Alt and her Parisian cronies, basically, because it was easy. Then, I became a big Tom Ford for Gucci freak and I started spending what little money I had on his clothes. I was discovering my sexuality, my femininity.
I don’t covet anymore. I used to see something on The Real Real or eBay and I had to have it. I wanted it. I’d spend hours searching for a piece for a cheaper price. I don't have that urge anymore. I don't know if it has to do with age, but I finally have pieces in my wardrobe that make me happy. The wardrobe that makes me look like myself. None of it is that expensive either. Tailoring has become my best friend.
I’ve learned that every single time I’ve been uncomfortable in my clothes, with a heel height or a pair of pants that were too tight, it radiates. People will pick up on that because you’re just not 100% yourself.
Evolve your style with confidence (and cash). Stylist , 34
The factors that impact your personal style in your 20s are things like being fucking broke, which I was for a very long time. I was always very creative in developing this adult version of me and the way that I want to present in the world. Clashing became something that was reflective of how I wanted to stand out. It was my armor. I didn't feel like I belonged in most places that I inhabited in my 20s, especially in the fashion industry. Being who I am and looking how I did, it was like ‘I know I'm not supposed to be here.’
Now I'm going to give you something to actually look at and talk about. In my 30s, what I realized is I’m much more invested in finding long lasting staples and quality fashion that will live with me forever and evolve with me forever, but still has that anchor in weirdness. I like rebelliousness, and the idea of not subscribing to expectation was always at the heart of that in the way that I was defining my personal style. But that motivation was different. Back in the day, it was like I'm gonna do what I want out of a place of insecurity.
I trust myself in everything so much more in my 30s, including my style. I don't disavow the way that I dressed in my 20s, I just think now in my 30s, it’s codified into an actual choice of presentation. Clothes were once defense mechanisms, easily manipulated facets of myself. Now, it’s really ingrained into who I am as a 30-something year old.
Learn your uniform. After School writer , 37
I've been doing the newsletter [After School] for four years. In that time being very aware of how quickly trends are cropping up, it has made me almost reject trends. Part of this is working from home, so I have the luxury of not having to really think about what I'm wearing each day to the office. It has made me veer towards classic. I have a big stack of white T-shirts, a bunch of striped T-shirts, and a plain cashmere sweater. On one hand, I'm like, is this boring? But on the other hand, the simplicity of it works for me. I wear my Levi’s 501s… maybe this gives me away as a millennial, that my jeans don't like drag on the floor. But for now, I'm okay with that.
I’ve always been a ballet flat girl, and seeing them come back the last year or two, I’m going to keep wearing them, but it’s funny to think what happens when your personal style becomes a trending aesthetic? I have to decide to continue wearing them. You’re only thinking about that once you're a little bit older, approaching personal style from less of a trend POV and more of: Who am I? What do I feel comfortable in?
That’s all for now, but I’d love to hear more about where you are at in your style journey right now in the comments.
Loved chatting with you! 🫶🏼
also 34 and feel the exact same (finally!), love this. <3